


No melodies from a broken heart

by maeusetod



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bangchan - Freeform, M/M, banghim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:32:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3904858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maeusetod/pseuds/maeusetod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had no idea how much he had destroyed by leaving him. He had thought about what his father told him. He had thought about himself and he had thought about what would be best for Himchan never not one had he considered what Himchan was thinking. If he had just asked, all this would never have happened and now it was on him to fix a broken heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No melodies from a broken heart

_Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life, remember that the black keys make music too._ – Bang Yongguk  
  
  


I felt the beat flowing through my body moving it to the rhythm that the DJ played. But the excitement, the elation was missing and it had been missing for quite some time now. I could see it in the response of the crowd. I tried to get them hyped, tried them to feel what I felt through the words I was saying. But the words I rhymed to the beats were not the same anymore and the feeling they once held was forgotten. As my part of the concert ended there were some screams, some claps but I knew it was not enough. Most of the crowd did no longer come for my music but for one of the other rappers that I often share stages with.  
  
  


"If you go on singing this depressive crap, you're going to lose the few fans you still have," Youngjae said as he grabbed himself a beer and made himself comfortable in the old sofa that was one of the few furniture of the backstage room.  
  
"It's not depressive crap!" I defended myself.  
  
"Your music was always about fighting for yourself and believing in dreams. That's what your fans want to listen," he argued.  
  
"I make music with what is on my mind. It's not that easy to just compose something else. And he is on my mind all the time, even if I don't want to," I tried to explain to them.  
  
"If you’re missing him that much why did you break up with him in the first place" Daehyun was asking.  
  
"Because he has a really great career as a violin player in front of him. And I was in the way.”  
  
"That’s the most idiotic reason for a break-up I ever heard and you know it yourself," Daehyun told me putting a hand on my shoulder. I had the feeling it was not to comfort me but to lay more weight into his argument.  
  
"It's time you get over him. It's been more than half a year already," Youngjae told me.  
  
"Yeah. I bet that there is someone in the crowed who would like to, maybe this tall guy who is always recording your stuff. He seems to be at every stage you have," Daehyun said and had to avoid something that was flowing in his direction. I couldn't really see what it was but it was thrown from Youngjae.  
  
"He's underage your pervert," he said to Daehyun.  
  
"How do you know? Maybe he just looks young. Underage persons shouldn't even be allowed here."  
  
"As if they care. If they would select Yongguk would not make any money."  
  
"I tried to ask him once, why he comes every time and why he films everything but he ran away as soon as I approached him and man this boy is fast," I told them.  
  
"Maybe he is a spy and copies your stuff," Daehyun guessed.  
  
"Who would copy that crap?" Youngjae asked.  
"If you don't like Yongguk’s stuff, why are you even here?" Daehyun asked.  
  
"Maybe because of someone else," he answered.  
  
"Who?" Daehyun asked and I had to smile because Daehyun was still oblivious that Youngjae had a crush on him. I remembered that Youngjae had invited me to this festival of tradition music and later found out he just did that because he knew the chance that I would say yes was bigger when it came to something music related and I always asked Daehyun to come with me. When it came to Youngjae everything was always well planned. What Youngjae had not planned was that I myself would meet someone. I had been trying myself at a janggu with moderate success as someone had approached me telling me I played awful and I should not tread an instrument this roughly even if it wasn't of high quality and I just told him to do it better then. I had had no idea that he could play it this well. A lot of people stopped and started to listen I could only watch and stare how he put all of himself into the music. It was a mesmerizing sight and it had been only hint of what he could do with music.  
  
"Yongguk we are still talking to you," Youngjae said interrupting my thoughts.  
  
"Sorry," I just answered.  
  
"You really should stop thinking about him when you want to get over it," Daehyun stated.  
  
"Yeah you’re right," I said but some part of me did not want it to be right. Some part of me did not want to forget all the things we had shared.  
  
"What we had asked you as you were reveling in memories was if you want to go eat with us, my treat. I bet you only going to eat junk food for the rest of the week," Youngjae told me.  
  
"Don’t call ramyun junk food," I defended my favorite food.  
  
"Well it's not exactly healthy. Are you coming or not?" he asked.  
  
"No sorry. I rather go home. Enjoy your time," I answered.  
  
  
  


As I was home and opened a bottle of cheap whiskey because I wanted to drown all my memories with him in it and thought about what lectures I had the next day and if my emotional state was more important then what I had to learn the next day. But the ringing of the doorbell interrupted my thoughts before I could come to a conclusion. At this time of day or rather night I wasn't expecting anyone and at the very least the person who was standing in front of my door, Himchan's father.  
  
"I am very sorry to bother you at this time of day but I would be really pleased if you could visit my son when you find some time. I know we had our differences in our past but if you care for him then you might want to have a talk with him. I will not be in your way." he said and gave me a piece of paper with an address.  
  
"We moved," was the last thing he said before he went and instead of drinking to forget him I started drinking and thinking about him and if I should meet him again. Every thought of some lectures was replaced by memories of the time we had and the time we could have.  
  
  


Three days after Mr. Kim gave me the address I was standing in front of a door of expensive dark wood dressed in a light grey shirt, a white T-shirt underneath to make sure my newest tattoo could not be seen because I had a tendency to always open the first two buttons, dark trousers and my dress shoes. The last time I had worn them was to one of Himchan’s concerts. I had felt uncomfortable sitting there in the front row surrounded by people in clothing I would never be able to afford starring at the brochure in my hands and feeling totally out of place. I had been so nervous that I hadn’t even noticed Himchan entering the stage and only looked up as everyone begun clapping. Himchan had been standing there with his violin in his hand surrounded by an orchestra smiling brightly and I had felt that he didn't even need to play to fill the stage. I missed this kind of smile, the smile he wore before he put the violin on his shoulder.  
  
Mr. Kim opened the door and had a look on his face that could be interpreted as slight approval. I wasn't sure if it was for me or for my choice to dress. I was surprised that he was home. He had always been working with the exception for the day he found me and Himchan doing non-appropriate things as he had later named it later on Himchan’s bed. Maybe he had changed work or maybe it was just due to the fact that in was Saturday.  
  
"He is in his room," was all he said and pointed to a room at the end on the left.  
  
  


As I entered I found him sitting one a chair that was moved towards the window his feet on the windowsill and he had a blanked on his lap, both his hands put underneath. It was strange because it was not a cold day and the temperature in his room was warm, too. But then Himchan had always been a person who was freezing easily and I had always had token a jacked with me so that I could later put it on his shoulders. He had always been pale but now it was an even whiter shade of pale. It almost looked translucent. And he was way skinnier than he had been. His face was angular and he had heavy dark rings under his eyes that looked distant and sad. He looked small and fragile. It was not the same person than I had left not the person who could easily fill a whole stage with his presence.  
  
As he noticed me his expression was surprised as if he was seeing a ghost and for a moment I thought he was happy to see me again but then his expression got distant again.  
  
I wanted to say something but no words were coming out of my mouth. I had always been bad with words. It was something totally different writing them down and using them in life so an awkward silence filled the room and I noticed that his violin was nowhere to be seen. The violin case and the newest sheets of music had always been on a table in Himchan’s room, next to it the music stand right next to it. All this were nowhere to be seen.  
  
"I don't like your new songs'" was the first thing Himchan was saying to me. It was then that I noticed that "I remember" a duet I had sung with Daehyun was playing guilty. It surprised me that Himchan was still listening to my music and what surprised me even more was where he had the music from because I never uploaded this particular song because Daehyun didn't like the idea and I would definitely have noticed if Himchan had been to one of my gigs. As if Himchan had heart what I had been thinking he answered.  
  
"A friend of Jongups’ his name is Zelo is a big fan of yours. I asked him to record every song for me. You might have noticed him he is a head taller than me," he said.  
  
"Oh," I just said as I knew who Himchan was talking about.  
  
"Where is you violin?" I asked him.  
  
"Did you come to ask me that?" he asked in return. I didn't answer because I wasn't quite sure why I came and I definitely couldn't tell him of the conversation with his father.  
  
"I don't play anymore," he said and pulled his right hand from underneath the blanked. I could see two pink scars on the back of the hand.  
  
"What happened?" I asked alarmed.  
  
"You told me my life was boring, remember? You said I shouldn't always practice but live more and I thought that maybe if I change then...so I went downhill mountain-biking with Jongup. I'm not even good at riding my bike. I fell and broke my little finger and my ring finger. I can move them but it's not the same as before," he said moving the fingers of his hand. It was as if someone had punched me into the stomach. I could no longer breathe normally and I started to feel sick. This was probably why Himchan’s father had told him to come, so that he could see that he had been right. He had told me to go because Himchan had a bright future as a star-violinist in front of him and if he would hang out with me sooner or later this future would be destroyed and now two tiny littler scars showed me that his father had been right. I don't know if it was out of shock or because I couldn't bear the guild but I ran out of the house. I had to stop hand hold myself on a house wall because I felt dizzy and like I had to throw up any second. My thoughts were going crazy and I knew there would be nothing to ever make it ok again. I had destroyed the career of the person I wanted to protect the person who was dearest to me. I had token the one thing from him he loved. For the first time I wished I had never meet him, that our lived never crossed. For the first time since I broke him I started to regret everything. If it wasn't for me nothing ever happened and the only thing that could calm my thoughts was the bottle of whiskey that was still standing on my table.  
  
  


I went back the next day to talk to Himchan again. I just couldn't leave it like that, without ever apologizing properly. I was even more nervous that the previous time as I was ringing at the Kim's doorbell. Mr. Kim was again the one answering the door. I remembered that Himchan’s mother owned a restaurant and maybe she was working on weekends. This time his look wasn't as pleased. I don't know if it was for my choice of clothing that was much more casually or because he knew what had happened yesterday but since Mr. Kim never apparently had decided it was best that we did not talk with each other unless it was necessary it was all my guess and I was never really good at guessing what was on peoples mind.  
  
"He's not here. Physical therapy. I'll give you the address," he told me, went inside and came back with a piece of paper again. I stood at the bus station for a while and tried to decide if I should go there or not. Maybe Himchan would not like it if he appeared there. I had hit his hand under a blanked. Apparently he had troubles seeing the scars. He could only imagine how painful it was what Himchan was going through.  
  
As the bus that would take me to the hospital came I went inside. I imagined the whole drive what I could say to him but nothing seemed right because there were no words that could make right what I had done.  
  
  


"I'm looking for Kim Himchan," I said to the nurse at the counter.  
  
"Ah, he is at the children's ward. Second floor at the end of the hallway on the right in the lounge. Just follow the piano sound," she said. At first he thought that maybe she was talking about another person but then the name Himchan wasn't common and maybe trying to play piano was part of the therapy so he just followed the instructions.  
  
I found Himchan sitting by the piano surrounded by children most of them in hospital gowns, a small girl with a pink hello kitty beanie on her head on his lap plying some classical music. I stood there for a while and was amazed how well he was playing. If he could play piano without problems why couldn't he play violin. I knew that Himchan needed a lot of precision in his hands and that his level of playing piano was nowhere near his level when it came to playing violin and it wasn't about plying for a bit but Himchans practice hours could fill the whole day. Sometimes when they had met up in the past Himchan had been so exhausted he had not been capable of doing anything so I had just let him sleep on my lap while I wrote new songs. I had always told him he shouldn’t only live for his music, but live more but as his father had approached me and told me that Himchan had been more and more distracted and his career was in danger I began to question my thoughts again. He was someone who was born for the stage. He had his prettiest smile when he saw the audience clapping after he performed and I had been afraid to be the one to take it away from him.  
  
The music stopped and I saw that Himchan was looking at me.  
  
"I had not expected to see you here," he said.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you again. Your father gave me the address.”  
  
"I see," he just answered with barely any emotion in his voice.  
  
"Are you finished with treatment for the day?" I asked him.  
  
"I'm not here for treatment," he said.  
  
"You're not?" I asked confused.  
  
"It works just fine," he said and pointed at his hand, "It this that doesn't," and put a hand on his chest.  
  
"But you told me it wasn't healed," I told him.  
  
"Because they don’t understand, not my father nor my teacher and you probably won’t either. I had enough of the explaining," he told me, but there wasn't any frustration in his voice just resignation.  
  
"I told the doc to explain to my father something was still wrong with my hand so he would give me a break from playing, seems it didn't work for too long seeing he asked you to come back.”  
  
"The guy in black is scary," said the little girl on Himchan's lap getting closer to him.  
  
"You're scaring the children, do something," Himchan said. I loved children. I loved their energy and their positive attitude but the truth was that Himchan had always been better with children and it seemed nothing had changed of that.  
  
"What should I do?" I asked him.  
  
"I don't know, sing something since you're a rapper," he said.  
  
The only children's song that came to my mind was the three bears, so began singing but after just a few words into the song Himchan interrupted me.  
  
"You sound like you're going to kill them," he said. It wasn't really a song made for a voice like mine so I decided that maybe I should just sing any song that he liked singing. I chose Adele because the range of the song was good and started. I noticed it in the change of Himchan’s position that he was surprised. Himchan had heard me rapping quite often, he had gone to some of my gigs, too but he had never heard me singing. Himchan turned to the piano and started to play. I could hear that Himchan improvised but it didn't matter because it fitted well. It was a nice melody but I knew that something was missing. There was a tension in the song. It was not a perfect harmony and I began to understand what Himchan had been trying to tell him. I understood what destruction I had caused and that the responsibility was on him to fix it again. I finished the song and Himchan ended his play. The little girl started clapping. I betted it was for Himchan and not for me.  
  
"You had me scarred. With your hand," I told him.  
  
"Oh I'm so sorry," Himchan answered sounding in no way sorry and I knew he had no reason to.  
  
"If it's not your hand but your heard that's broken, maybe we can heal it again," I went on.  
  
"No," he said with determined voice. I don't know why but I somehow had expected that he wanted to try it again as much I wanted it. I was stunned by his answer, but then after all he went through because of me why should he have another answer.  
  
"I'm sorry that I left you. I thought it was for your best."  
  
"And you knew what would be best for me better than me. I can't go back to you knowing that with every word my dad says to you, you'll change your mind," he said angrily.  
  
"I thought I would destroy your career," I reasoned.  
  
"And you did. Look this is not the right place to argue with each other," he told me and I could not deny that a children's ward of a hospital was a bad place but I wanted to tell him so much more but before I could begin he already interrupted me.  
  
"That was a subtle way of me to tell you, that you should leave now. Sorry, I have forgotten that you’re not that good in interpreting what people try to tell you," he said. I had no idea what to answer, so I just turned around and left but I knew that I had to talk to him again. I knew that by leaving him I had made the worst mistake of my life and I had to make sure I fix what I had broken.  
  
I had no idea how much I had destroyed by leaving him. I had thought about what his father told me to do. I had thought about myself and I had thought about what would be best for Himchan but never had I considered what Himchan was thinking and if I had just asked if I had talked to him about my fear of causing him and his career harm, all this would never have happened and now it was on me to fix his broken heart.  
  
  


The next time I saw him was on one of my gigs. The crowed was half empty but even if it was full I would have spotted him. He was someone who stud out, not only because he was wearing tight skinny jeans and a grey shirt where most of the people wore baggy t-shirts but because he had a face that was utterly handsome. Next to him I spotted the tall guy whose name I had already forgotten. I was so nervous that the gig went on in a blur and as I was finished and left the stage I still could not quite comprehend what had happened. As I went backstage Daehyun and Youngjae were as always waiting for me. I immediately told them that I had seen Himchan in the crowed. They were eying me suspiciously because I hadn't told them about our previous meetings.  
  
"Maybe it was someone who looked a bit like Himchan," Daehyun said.  
  
"No, it was him. How can someone look like him anyways," I said.  
  
"You're making his looks better than they actually are," Youngjae said.  
  
I wanted to defend Himchan’s looks but then I noticed some voices outside of the backstage area.  
  
"If you could just ask him, I bet he would tell you the same," Himchans deep voice was saying.  
  
"I told you no one gets in there without previous permission," one of the staffs of the club was telling him. I went outside and told the guy to let Himchan and his friend in. the muffled sound of the next artist was the only thing audible for a while because everyone just starred at Himchan and the tall boy next to him.  
  
"I told you about Zelo. He really wanted to meet you and since you know what he did for me already I thought I at least could arrange a meeting with you," Himchan broke the silence.  
  
"It's nice to see you again," Youngjae told him, "come in and sit down. Do you want a beer?" It was obvious that he wanted to break the awkwardness between them.  
  
"No thank you and Zelo is still underage," he answered. Youngjae was looking at Daehyun with a content expression knowing he had been right.  
  
"So you are interested in rap music?" I asked the boy because I had no idea what to say to Himchan.  
  
The boy just nodded and it was pretty obvious that he was shy.  
  
"Have you tried it?" I asked.  
  
"He is pretty good. Not that I am the best to evaluate it," Himchan answered for the boy.  
  
"Would you like to show us your talent?" I asked him trying to make my voice sound as friendly as possible knowing that my deep voice easily scared people. And then the boy started to rap a popular hip hop song but rapping some of the darts in double of the normal speed. I was left in awe. It seemed Himchan only hung out with talented people. I had seen him friend Jongup dance and he had been really good in it.  
  
"Wow," I said, "You should definitely make something out of this talent.”  
  
"Thank you," the boy answered.  
  
"Why isn't Jongup with you." asked Daehyun.  
  
"It isn't that easy to meet up with him since my father thinks the whole thing is his fault," Himchan explained. It surprised me to hear that because I had thought his father was blaming me but apparently it was not my fault this time but I felt sorry for Jongup who had obviously been dragged to do it by Himchan and had no fault in it at all. It seemed he had to apologize to Jongup, too.  
  
"Fault for what?" Youngjae asked.  
  
"You haven't told them?" Himchan asked and I only shook my head.  
  
"I broke two of my fingers as I went mountain-biking," he told them.  
  
"Can you play again?" Youngjae asked shocked.  
  
"I don't know jet, maybe with some effort and time," he answered and I knew he was not talking about practice as everyone in the room was thinking but of our relationship. Apparently Himchan saw a chance that it might work again. "Can we talk in private?" I asked him.  
  
"Sure," he just said and I let him to a small storeroom and turned two empty beer cases around so we could sit on them. Himchan looked at them for a second and I knew he was thinking whether they would ruin his expensive jeans or not but in the end he sat down nonetheless.  
  
"I'm sorry for what I did," I started. He said nothing and I guessed he wanted me to say more than just that I'm sorry.  
  
"I know that it was stupid to leave you. I thought it would be better for you but I was wrong. Can we try it again?" I asked my voice nearly failing me as I asked the question.  
  
"Look, Bang, It's not that easy," he told me. Hearing the nickname only he used for me again made me realize how much I missed talking to him.  
  
"You broke my trust in you and I'm going to be afraid that with every word my father or any other person says you're going to change your mind again. But what I want the most is that you will never try to change my life again. It's for me and only for me to decide how much I want to practice and how much I want to play. If you only want to go back because you are afraid of my career, then I'm going to say no because it won’t work," he explained to me.  
  
"No," I said and wasn't sure if it was not a lie because what I fell in love with was the Himchan that played violin and I really wanted him to get back to this person again.  
  
"So if I decided to give up on playing violin and decide to do something entirely different you wouldn't mind, right?"  
  
"I would mind," I told him genuinely," but I would respect your decision.”  
  
"Ok," he said thinking about what I said and if it was enough.  
  
"And what do you have in mind?" I asked.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe I should become a k-pop idol," he proposed.  
  
"You're not that good at singing," I told him.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I heard you singing in the shower," I confessed.  
  
"You can't evaluate how good my voice is from what you heard of me singing in the shower. At least my face is pretty enough" he said now more playful. The serious tone of our conversation was slowly fading away.  
"Maybe I should become one too," I said.  
  
"With all the tattoos you have, he said and pointed on my chest, where my tattoo was showing because the shirt was low cut.  
  
"What has this to do with anything? Jay Park is tattooed, too," I told him.  
  
"Comparing yourself with Jay Park. Don't you think you're reaching too high and don't forget that your probably have to color your hair half blond half pink and wear tight jeans, too," he said and pointed at the jeans he was wearing. I could not imagine myself in this outfit at all.  
  
"Maybe we should recruit the other guys”, Himchan went on, "I know that Daehyun is quite good at singing and we would have a decent rapper then.”  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"I didn't mean you, I meant my friend Zelo," he said with a smile.  
  
"Hey!" I said and tried to pout but failed miserably but at least it made Himchan laugh.  
  
"Let's leave these senseless ideas behind and concentrate on us," he said serious again but appealing eased.  
  
"I know I can't make it ok from one second to another and I'm really thankful that you give me a second chance and if you need more time..." Himchan interrupted my speech by raising his hand.  
  
"That's not what I meant," he told me.  
  
"Then what?" I asked.  
  
"Still the same Bang Yong Guk who can't read peoples intention, he said as he got up and walked over to me. It was then that I knew that he wanted me to kiss him and so I did.  
  
  


_We have talked about your music and where your inspiration for your very first album came from but now let me ask something else. To all the young people who try to achieve something like you. What would you tell them?  
  
If you have a dream, don’t get too focused on it. If you’re only focused on your dream, you lose sight of those around you. Just relax a bit.  
  
This is a very wise answer for someone your age. Most people would say hard work is the most important thing. Now to another interesting thing on your album, there is collaboration with the well-known violinist Kim Himchan on your album. How did it come to this collaboration?  
  
We got to know each other through music and even if we are very different characters and our style of music are quite different in the sound of music there is always some way to come together in the end.  
  
Critics have recently praised Kim Himchan for reaching a great amount of feeling of his listeners from sadness to longing to happiness. How was your experience working with him?  
  
It was something I wanted to do for a very long time so it was amazing and I hope that it doesn't remain with this one collaboration._  
  
  


"I'm still a violinist who plays classical music. Don't think you can use me to promote every of your albums," Himchan said after taking a sip of his second iced americano. "I never said I would, but thanks," I told him.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Believing that this album isn’t going to be my last."  
  
We were sitting in a café that Himchan liked and watched my very first interview on my mobile after Himchan had decided that four hours practice where enough for the day. A jacked was hanging over my chair because I knew that Himchan would freeze later and I explained to him when we would meet up with the rest of the boys so that I would make it in time for my next gig. I had to be on time since it was completely booked out.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from aff.  
> First time posting on ao3. Sorry for formating mistakes.  
> I hope you like it. Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
